“You can’t ever really know a person and if you think you can, you’re living in a dream world.”
David, Six Feet Under
Who’s having fun in the dream world these days, anyhow?
Matty likes to give people nicknames and he used to call Krista “Drama Club.” Funny, of course, that for so many months my life was almost entirely consumed by HIS drama.
But ultimately, y’all - life IS drama. So let’s just quit it, yeah? With acting like “drama” is an unexpected, totally avoidable situation. And let’s just admit that drama happens. Drama is part of life. We don’t grow up, we don’t grow out of it…
Lo & I had our party. It was anchored by two very negative events (assault! theft!) and lead to another (fighting!)
There was a very satisfactory middle and it was good to see Lainey and Chase in Brooklyn, Katy & Nicole & Eunice in a room with windows, Stephen & Cameron & Kat out of the agency office, Matty who came from Long Island, Krista full of the happiness she deserves (she got into Yale’s MFA program!), good to see Alana and Malaina and everyone I don’t see enough..,
In the morning Matty demanded the shitty coffee that I allegedly make (everyone thinks I make it too strong) and then when the shit hit the fan, he tried to be a voice of reason when the madness broke. Oh, the irony…
I dreamt about Scot, it was strange and vivid. Sometimes I miss being in love.
In my dream he wrote me a letter about how impossible it is to plan our lives, and I guess that’s the truth.
As Lo said…all we can do is get up and make coffee…see what happens..
We all try so hard, though, you know? We try really hard to make everything effortless.
If I start thinking about next week or last week, this week slips away.
People love and break up and go to work and all that.
People fight and hate and love and go to work again.
People fight and hate and hate and it never gets better it just ends.
Things end. Things evolve and sometimes things just CHANGE.
That doesn’t make it easier, at all.
But it makes it acceptable, at least. Something that’s part of all this
instead of something that we eventually learn how to avoid, that we grow out of.
If only we’d done something differently or known better.
But I have these things:
I have the amazing feeling of being surrounded by new friends that I’ve made since I moved here a year ago, which for a socially retarded cynical brat like myself is quite an accomplishment,
my book, which excites me,
I Am Not Quite Myself These Days, which you all need to read,
the way Lo hops around the apartment when she’s getting ready to go and making her peanut butter toast and checking out her hot ass in the mirror,
the way that Lo always hears me coming up the stairs and opens the door before I get there,
the unadulterated joy of netflix,
leisha hailey, who rules, eternally, and jenny’s amazing description of her wedding outfit in the season finale,
the spring, FUCKING FINALLY,
the fact that every now and then, something actually does almost make me cry,
but most of all; words.
like the stupid ones i’m writing right now.