June 2010
55 posts
1 tag
23 august 2006: your girl is lovely, hubble.
So basically….. we’re all like, not here anymore, right?
I thought I’d check in and no one has posted in a century. I see LJ tryin’ hard to keep up with the blogger converts, and it makes me feel kinda sad in a way, but you know, whatever. Remember Diaryland? I used to have a diary on diaryland. I wonder if it’s still there. I wonder what it says. It’s probably...
02 may 2006: But I Just Had to Laugh, I saw the...
hey, you. i’m writing a book. It’s been so long since I updated, I can hardly think of where to begin.
I’m supposed to be doing this story for Marie Claire - ‘match the girl with her exes’ - and I feel stuck and frustrated about it. Basically it’s me and three other girls, we’ll do a photo shoot and readers will match us to thumbnails of our exes. Marie...
10 april 2006: new blog - marielynbernard at...
hellllo friends!!! though i will continue to post on livejournal when i have something i want to say about myself, i have started a blog that will be more, um, open to varied audiences. please read it, kids, okay, it’s good for you. This Girl Called Automatic Win
31 Mar 2006: i could go crazy on a night like...
“You can’t ever really know a person and if you think you can, you’re living in a dream world.”
David, Six Feet Under
Who’s having fun in the dream world these days, anyhow?
Matty likes to give people nicknames and he used to call Krista “Drama Club.” Funny, of course, that for so many months my life was almost entirely consumed by HIS drama.
But...
13 march 2006: is that a periscope in your pocket,...
I hate it when characters die on TV shows that I like (RIP Dylan’s wife on 90210! RIP Nate on Six Feet Under! RIP Jen on Dawson’s Creek!).
Yes, I’d heard rumors that Dana was gonna to die (yes, “rumors” means that I sometimes cruise L Word fansites…but Chase-the-Spoiler-Queen certainly helped in this regard..:-)), and I knew it would happen on Sunday.
But OMG...
06 march 2006: blood and fire are too much for...
Jake, do you remember in high school when we used to stay up ‘til 4am on summer nights writing and reading and listening to music (in our own bedrooms, you know, but we’d talk about it ithe next day) and then wake up at 2 or 3pm and have breakfast and then our next meals we called them “Dinner Number One” and “Dinner Number Two” and how dinner number 2 always...
17 february 2006: home is where my habits have a...
Jenni took us to this event to corrupt us (“I wanna corrupt you girls!” and she left her phone behind. We went out to the Chelsea Piers where it was snowing to a boat called “The Frying Pan.” Crazy guest-listed event. We thought, is this really happening? I think, after all, that’s why we came to this city. Because this is where your lips turn black from the black...
feb 04 2006: fifth in my five string serenade
five: our first saturday morning, williamsburg is rain rain rain. my room is finally, almost coming together? i can’t wait to be settled in. i saw matty yesterday, and the day before.
krista and i text compulsively.
i miss them a lot, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that i think this where i’m supposed to be.
i can see things really coming together here....
feb 1 2006: second in my five string serenade
four: NOW
williamsburg is the cutest ever!!! We still need cable and I still haven’t finished unpacking. I HAVE SO MUCH SHIT. But we do have Fresh-Direct, and music, and Love!
Lo & I met up with my old friends (from the Olive Garden) Bryan and Marc at Bryan’s new bar in midtown. The last time I saw them together was in ‘03 when they were living together and I was...
jan 30 2006: the third in my five string serenade
three: the weekend of january 29th
i stood on the kitchen counter to pull boxes off the top of the cabinets and grabbed onto a cabinet and ripped it right off the thing. matty fixed it.
“matty is the strongest boy in the whole wide world. minus the racism, i’m kinda gonna miss him.”
-krista, via text, as they were doing the pre-feb-1st massive curbside drop.
yay for...
january 29 2006: second in my five string serenade
two: the week of january 21th-january 29th boxes, boxes, fucking boxes. crying and yelling and making up and realizing we love each other too much to succumb to the fact that: the act of moving itself
is so absolutely unbearbale and involves so much money and ridiculous conversations, logistics and impositions on people’s sense of time and order that it
pretty
much
...
20 january 2006: first in my five string serenade
one: the weekend of january 20th
a coat of white primer, and another of off-white. newspaper, blue tape. moving boxes from lo’s spacious warehouse of destruction to our little piece of something more promising.
on the way back uptown, in the monster jeep, we flew past the lit-up castle in the harbor, and all the lights.
you never believe me, he says, that i can do what i think i can do....
19 jan 2006: everything i love is ugly, i mean,...
Krista says I walk like a man. You know, like the song. Well, a lot of people tell me that. A soccer coach once told me I ran like an elephant. That was cute.
When Shane wore the fancy Quincinera dress with her converse sneakers, I was like “Wow, that’s me.” I mean, literally. Ryan used to make fun of me for wearing my converse sneakers when he’d drag me to his church. I...
09 jan 2006: I smoke and I drink and every time I...
I’m listening to Reckoning/Reveling (Ani DiFranco), on my ipod and it’s making my gut hurt. But I can’t stop! I don’t know why I feel like this today, but I do.
I’ve been frantically piling up sandbags against the flood waters of fatigue and insecurity
But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact that I’m worse than I seem.
I’m reading Prep and I...
28 dec 2005: the red isn't the red we painted,...
joey: people change, dawson. dawson: they don’t have to. joey: yes they do. people die, and they move away…..and they grow up, dawson. everything changes eventually.
Lo and I are moving to Brooklyn together, and Krista is moving in with Pete.
My psychiatrist, who made some extra holiday cash while I was in Michigan, says Krista likes tree-lined streets in Propsect Heights, and I...
19 december 2005: you've got to give up a lot to...
Well, so.
I feel like I’ve been going like I’m in the final lap for a few weeks now, sort of like it’s finals week and I keep thrusting all of my energy into one exam, trying to forget that the next one is coming. I think I’ve over-extended myself, and I’ve started to feel like I’m doing everything half-assed, but trying really hard to tell everyone that I...
04 december 2005: she could see from my face that...
I can’t believe it’s 2:30 AM and I’m still in Jenny’s office because she’s nice enough to let me use it to finish this essay for nerve which is pulling me in so many different directions, none of which, I fear, is “well-written.” It’s cold outside
Last night a street guy with a tarp of stuff asked me and Lo if we needed a handbag and I said...
23 nov 2005: believe it or not baby, the joy you...
Ha-Makom y’nachem et’chem b’toch sha’ar avelei Tzion v’Yerushalayim… Kim. Oh, Kim. Maybe she can be on The L Word now. How hot was she in that blue hoodie and pearls with her hair and makeup all done, leaving the house?
I meant to clean the apartment but then Tyra told Bre she could stay and Kim could go, and I had to sit on my futon in mourning for an hour....
15 november 2005: i don't need to tell you what...
“A week ago I didn’t even know you, really,” I said on the couch, the valuable couch in the muted-red club with the apple hookah filling our lungs with a kind of airy confidence, drinks in big martini glasses squeezed from a vodka grapefruit bush, and Lo said, “Yeah, but I knew that we’d become friends really fast.”
I’ve known Lo for almost a year, but...
14 nov 2005: the day that marks that you're not...
it’s been ten years
“So we’re speeding towards that time of year to the day that marks that you’re not here and I think I’ll want to be alone so please understand if I don’t answer the phone I’ll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until I can see nothing at all only particles, some fast, some slow all my eyes can see is all I know, oh but...
nov 8 2005: some days the line i walk turns out to...
“write something in your journal so i have something to read.” -Melaina, just now I’m not feeling so well today. Or, as Jason so aptly put it (my screen name is Plaster176)
JBHorns18: you are plastered176 today
Last night went to a party with Lo. I was, without a doubt, a bad drunk. With the bruises to prove it. Or I think that’s what they’re from. From running...
2 tags
06 Nov 2005: Well, You Were There - You Saw How...
I got a text message from Matty that his grandmother died and he is somewhere in the middle of the country. His grandmother is basically his Mom, and has been repeatedly credited as ‘the reason to exist’ by Matty. I told him (texted) that I’m here for him, whatever he needs. I can’t even imagine (okay, I pretty much can) what he’s going through and I wish he was here...
02 november 2005: home is where my habits have a...
the last night i saw matty before he disappeared again, he slept over because that’s what i let him do because i am scared for him in his crazy apartment, and i had to tell him to shut up about the goddamn holy war so i could go to sleep. and so yes the next day, he disappeared again. whenever that was.
he’s insane, irrational and irritating, but we’d settled into each...
22 october 2005: this little girl breaks...
When Lisa ran around in soap bubbles and talked to a tree outside when no-one would speak to her, I sort of started to love her a little bit even though I hated her before. And I don’t think she’s a bad drunk, she’s just mean.
However let’s get to the point: I’m a bit concerned about next week. Will it be Kim’s last? See, Kim is the love of my life so this is...
16 october 2005: be kind to me, or treat me mean,...
friday. oct. 14th. noon:
all week i’ve had the same problem. just can’t get up and out. i was too tired, t0o overwhelmed by the prospect of adorning myself in suitable raingear.
work: desks made of cardboard boxes. home: disaster. friday. oct. 14th.
7pm: text from krista: ‘matty says you two are going out tonight and that you’d better find him now.’ 9pm: run 3...
10 October 2005: I never stepped on the cracks...
So it’s been two weeks: it’s Indian Killer day. It’s grey outside and you shouldn’t listen to Jeff Buckley when it’s grey outside. It might make you want to drown yourself in the Hudson, or jump off the Brooklyn bridge with a brick for an anckle bracelet. We were going to move and then we decided not to. Not yet. Krista is painting the back room yellow, like Easter....
27 september 2005: too young to hold on, too old...
Matty’s still gone. I can still see his apartment from mine and his corner window with the tin-foil and the busted blinds. I want his lightbulb to burst. I want a fuse to blow. I want his landlord to charge the apartment, knock things over, change something! Move something! Blow it up! It’s a frozen image on a television screen of actual life the moment your tape stopped working....
24 september 2005: the imagination. it's there to...
have any of you known anyone schizophrenic or severely manic? If so… please share…
Matty left the light on in his apartment when he left. See, I can see his window from mine: the blinds like a Calder triangle are gathered in the middle, and the sides splay from the center, like a dull Oriental Fan.
Matty left the light on because people are after him.
++
Marie, he says on the...
17 september 2005: we're in a room without a door
I am in my room with Matty, who may be going insane.
He sends me a text message that says “Hi Bonnie” and I can send one that says ‘Hi Clyde.”
Matty: “I’m gonna own that motherfucker [New Orleans] too, I forgot to mention that. There’s casinos you can get in on, there’s mad fucking money. I’ve always wanted a casino. I could like, rough...
08 september 2005: "if i was in there, i'd know...
[The title is a quote from Matty, which I wrote down yesterday while we were watching Hurricane Katrina on the News. It’s sort of how I feel about my life sometimes though too] I made them paint my fingernails “wicked” and my toe-nails a sparkly dark purple and Krista asked me “what are you, twelve?” which sounded a lot like “so you’re hanging up on me...
31 august 2005: we're so creative, so much more,...
I started working at nerve this week, with a half-day on Monday and a whole day today. We get to write a lot, which is amazing, ‘cause I was expecting mostly to get lattes and make photocopies. But they have an espresso machine! So is there really any need to get lattes? No. I just write stuff all day!
I feel like a dork because um, no one wants to like talk to me? Maybe they’re all...
22 august 2005: the carnival of you and me is...
After a saturday night that began at chase’s with white rhino and “empire records” and led to a lower east side girlbar “Girl’s Room” which led to one of those nice mini-van cabs where I told Lainey and Heather and Chase, drunk as fuck, to observe and appreciate the endlessly inspiring New York City night skyline as we passed it on the FDR uptown…
And...
6 tags
15 august 2005: It's not a habit, it's cool, I...
On a sweltering Friday Afternoon, Matty helped me carry 6-foot bookshelves into his Jeep, then into my apartment, where I spent most of the night moving furniture around into what I imagined to be the most amicable arrangement for Krista.
Natalie came over too. But then she went to Ohio. Considering that Natalie, Noah and Matty were gone this weekend I did a good job of alternative social plans...
1 tag
10 august 2005: that sappy little ferret
I HEART: Natalie Vanilla Almond Bark Tofutti Ice Cream, which i originally discovered at Seva in Ann Arbor Matty & Marie’s Ebay Enterprise Gossip Girl “Indigo Girls: Tarities” and “Amy Ray: Prom” my street brenda from six feet under for telling nate in a dream sequence: “oh right, you fucked her because of silence, because of God. Not because we’re...
26 july 2005: as the concrete collides, the...
Took Matty’s bike for a test run this morning and got lost in Central Park— there are worse things a girl can do, I think.
I got to work drenched in sweat, took the first of four showers. Cameron and I spent our lunch break biking through traffic. Rode back home, took my time… God, I mean really, Central Park; wow. Most of the bikers out there were pretty intense.
Took the bike...
24 july 2005: i find myself flirting with the...
Tonight the Mafia was hanging necklaces of dollar bills on some sort of shrine (located a few feet away from the skyscraper-tall plaster pope, affixed to a giant wooden tower-of-babel type object) while a lame cover band actually inspired far too many people to dance, which at least is better than 9-year-old rapper P-Star of MTV’s MADE, who has been gracing the...
18 july 2005: they never tell you truth is...
There’s a carnival on our block right now. Last night at 4AM Matty called me to come downstairs. He was sitting on the edge of a carnie trailer smoking and waiting for me, dressed up in his fancy bouncer clothes, but I didn’t see him at first but heard him laughing at me because I was calling him, too dumb to look in front of me. Matty is a stunning creature. Physically. He’s...
09 july 2005: lay lady lay, lay across my big...
“i’ve been looking at this apartment for three years,” Matty says, blowing smoke out the cracked window of said apartment. “i always thought you had really nice light in here. i want light like this.” she says, but not out loud, “i was hoping my memory of you was wrong. i was hoping i was so drunk that night that you weren’t actually cute. but...
06 july 2005: the light was brighter, the days...
I thought the Hamptons, like New York and L.A, were cool by association, rather than by any actual virtues of the landscape itself. I didn’t think it would be any different than any other beach, just filled with prettier people.
But no. It’s better in the Hamptons. Natalie’s friend “Chad” from DC (his Dad is the channel 4 news anchor) has a beautiful house &...
19 june 2005: i wanna live life and never be...
We never change, do we? Krista and I are in Oregon for the Shakespeare Festival, staying with our friend John (my boyfriend during our senior year of high school). Oregon, itself, is lovely. Beautiful. However…. Within 24 hours of arrival he’d already criticized me repeatedly (I’m cocky, I’m judgmental!), yelled at me multiple times, including once for being rude when I...
12 june 2005: there's a postcard, there's a call,...
Krista has been gone for about 30 hours and, in celebration of her departure, I have cried more times on Friday and Saturday than I had cried, cumulatively, in all of 2005 prior to that point. As it turns out, all of that self-congratulatory independence was actually just masked co-dependence on Krista! Hahaha!
Highlights: Crying at work:
I was frustrated after spending four hours at the health...
06 june 2005: summertime and the living is easy?
On the first warm day of the year, people flock outside to consume cocktails in the (mosquito-infested) outdoor seating areas of restaurants, and girls wear flirty little skirts to show off their (perfectly shaven, rather than razor-burned) legs and hot halter tops (with great tans, rather than ghostly-paleness) and everyone buys forty bathing suits for their weekends at the beach and everyone...
04 june 2005: you are a party and i am a school...
Because Krista and I are desperately cool, we’re eating pasta and watching British reality television on a Friday night. Last Friday night we did geography quizzes online. Yeah—ask me where Guam is. I dare ya.
Yesterday I worked for five hours then Jeremiah tricked me into coming over by acting like he had something important he needed to talk about. People seem to do that to me a...
23 may 2005: people on the corner askin me for...
apple store clipboard boy: “wait…weren’t you here yesterday for your ipod?” me: umm…yes. boy: “and now you’re here for your computer?” me: “it’s been a rough week.”
In case you’re wondering why my computer broke, and my ipod, I’ll tell you:
because I got the internship at nerve and I love working at the lit agency...
13 may 2005: i have no marketable skills
I think I’m going to die of happiness. I GOT THE INTERNSHIP AT NERVE!! they don’t know yet if they will take me for the summer or the fall, hopefully the fall cuz that’s when the lit agency is getting an NYU work-study student so I’ll be done there without feeling guilty and can keep my other job. Also they love me at the lit agency which is so, FINALLY, gratifying —...
09 may 2005: i don't wanna wait for my life to be...
I’m taking a break from the Dawson’s Creek Season Finale (yes, i have it on DVD. somehow it seemed perfect for krista and i to watch it right now) because Jen is making a video for her daughter to see after she dies and i hate it when parents who know they are going to die make videos for their kids it makes me want to die.
to know! just TO KNOW.
08 may 2005: cause it's too important to stay the...
guns dont kill people relationships kill people
someone said that to me the other day and i keep saying it to other people it’s not true, actually, but still
i don’t need new boys!
i need new toys and words and books and museums and walks and movies and girls and friends
krista said she didn’t want to sound trite but that it’s been inspiring really that my confidence,...
01 may 2005: and when two halves move in together,...
ladies and gentlemen, after placing a subtle summer sublet ad on craigslist for krista’s room and receiving ten thousand responses and filtering out the baddies and still not being able to decide…
I finally selected a winner of the “Sublet Krista’s Room” Contest: Noah. How did I pick Noah? ‘Cause we were connected by only two friendster links. Good sign. He...
27 march 2005: i'm talkin to a tree stump girl...
krista and i went to go buy toilet paper but somehow ended up at orbit, watching two girls play guitar/steal our hearts with “the piano man” and natalie merchant, and indigo girls covers…
saturday natalie and i saw ‘a streetcar named desire” and had drinks, foods, etc at Eatery afterwards, even though Natalie opened up and ate a Balance bar and cleaned and ate an...
17 april 2005: i don't have a drinking problem...
“you start listening to tom waits, exclusively.” -myself, in “how to be normal,” a story i wrote while i was not, in fact, listening to tom waits exclusively, but now i think i sort of am. oh, the pain/agony/joy! oh! springtime! i have an internship at a literary agency which should lead into one of those crazy ass “real jobs” one of these days, which is...
